I thought it would be enough when I launched my dream business as an integrative nurse practitioner and psychotherapist.
I thought it would be enough to have guaranteed safety and security, and then enjoy moving to even more luxury with a part-time, high-paid private practice, scheduled around my lifestyle.
And it was for a while…
I thought it would be enough to have meaning and purpose in my career and in my overall life without needing to pivot my tried-and-true business model.
What I didn’t think was that my hunger for a lush, wild-hearted life would “get in the way” of my “perfectly manicured” business. Nor that my evolving nature would demand I follow hard-left turns.
What I forgot was how life isn’t “meant” to solely get to the peak and stay there. A picture of perfection perhaps, but cold and lifeless as a statue. At least not a life for a woman who wants to taste every last bite of life and sometimes gets lost in the cycle of achievement and accomplishment.
That in order to be ever-evolving, sometimes I will want to go back to my beginner’s mind, but even more importantly STAY IN MY BODY, and let myself master something even newer and seemingly scarier.
Not because I have to but because it is the nature of creating.
And when I tried to delude myself into believing that making it to the summit was enough, I ended up feeling caged.
There will always be another summit or another deep ravine. Especially when we think it’s “enough,” or even when faced with its best friend, “never enough.”
And yet I blamed myself. And that part kept me in my “bottom” a lot longer than necessary. And it was ironic, of course, because I was the queen of sharing the power of self-compassion and creative curiosity with all of my clients as the elixir to change and the needed dose of courage.
I’ve come to learn that when I quietly hear “I thought it would be enough” it can be a warning sign for burnout or other symptoms and forgetting that ever-evolving vitality that naturally propels us forward.
So I’m back to letting myself enjoy the dance of the unknown. Forgot for a bit, but it always allows us to remember. To let go of the attachment of attainment and control, the golden handcuffs and the “perfect” life that sometimes was the beautiful start of the first vision of success.
I decided to let go of my evergreen, successful psychiatric private practice where I functioned as an “expert” to play full stop in the fields of what some call a saturated market of coaches and where everyone promises transformation.
“What was I thinking?”
And so a new phrase is popping up.
Now whenever “what am I thinking” comes up, I can be sure the gift isn’t far!
This change has brought up all kinds of uncomfortability and uncertainty, but it was where I have been led to play.
And as soon as I embraced it, the challenges and the triumphs came. It’s brought me back to feeling my full life force.
There is a huge level of grit that has been necessary to achieve in our first rounds of success BUT it is so very different as we move to deeper embodied wisdom and truer success as we develop. Without releasing our rigid roles, it’s like chasing your tail and it will guarantee another burnout journey and a broken heart.
There are deep levels of heartache that can come for the most impassioned achievers when we hold on too tightly & I am here to remind us to let our hearts open fully to the unimaginable.
Especially when it looks like “what am I thinking?!?!”
You are on the right path, follow the scent❤️